“I…I really miss you.” I said, putting my head down in shame.
“I miss you too!” Stacy responded in a delightful tone. As our conversation continued, I masked my self disappointment with my usual excited tone as I sat in my parked car outside the training building wishing I could let go of my past and tell Stacy exactly how I felt.
My mind and my heart were truly at odds with each other. My heart knew that I loved Stacy, had secretly known for a long time, and could feel just how real our love was with every phone call and every email. It was almost painful to restrain my lips from saying what my heart was feeling, but I just couldn’t overcome that part of my brain that remembered my previous heart breaks and had been conditioned to keep my walls up, bridge drawn, let the waves thrash throughout the depths of the moat, arm the cannons, bring out the archers with the flaming arrows, and dawn the cloak of invisibility to protect that place in my heart at all costs.
“Steve, I’ve been thinking.” Said Stacy, unknowingly interrupting the frustrations of my internal struggle. “You might think I’m a big weirdo, but I think both of us are feeling this way.”
With that statement, the conversation suddenly took a turn into unexpected territory. What could have been the common, but oh so fulfilling, conversation of how much we missed each other and what a great time we were going to have when Stacy returned to the states had instantly turned into: I don’t know what’s coming next, but I’m almost certain I’m not ready for it. My heart rate and imaginative thought processing started to increase rapidly like I was entering the matrix on a shot of adrenaline. In a matter of milliseconds a surge of unbridled creative options unleashed a plethora of potential ways to finish that statement…
“You might think I’m a big weirdo, but I think both of us are feeling this way…”
…Let’s adopt a camel.
…Let’s put a hold on this until I get back home.
…Let’s put our spirits into moon rocks.
…Our relationship is moving too fast.
…Let’s get married tonight.
…Let’s petition to bring back the cast of T.V.’s Alf for one final season.
With a slight hesitation in her voice, Stacy continued, “I just have never felt so at peace in any of my relationships like I do now. It’s like you and I are meant to be together and are so perfect for each other, you know?”
“Yeah.” I responded more calmly than I thought I would. It was right then that I knew. Yeah, I knew. I knew she wasn’t talking about Alf, or a camel, or us taking it slow. I knew everything I’d been going through she’d be going through as well and, even though I wasn’t able to overcome my inner struggles, she was tip toeing this conversation around overcoming hers.
“So if you couldn’t tell already,” continued Stacy, “what I’m trying to say is that…I love you.”
With the power of those three words the waters in the moat went still, the walls around my heart came down, and a broken place that had been dark for so long felt a warmth and a light. The internal chaos and conflict that had lived inside me for so long was swiftly and calmly overtaken by a new peace.
“I love you too.” I responded and I swear I could feel her smiling just as big as I was.
The rest of our conversation went on without reservation. I told her how long I’d wanted to tell her that I loved her and she told me the same. We laughed at how nervous we both were to say it so soon and sighed at how long we still had until we would be together. Then, per military protocol, our fifteen minute conversation had to come to an end.
When I got home I still couldn’t believe what had happened. Stacy and I had professed our love for each other and, in 2006, there was only one response to this type of uncharted emotional high…I had to send her a mixed C.D. Not just any mixed C.D., but a carefully thought out and well selected mixed C.D. playing only songs that reflected the true essence of our love. And, to accompany this C.D., there would be a note describing exactly why each song was selected and explaining how it perfectly conveys a specific aspect of our relationship. There were many to consider, but one song was a must. One song consumed the nation in 1989, bridged a growing gap between music and love that was “oceans apart,” and clearly was going to make the mixed C.D. cut. Let’s start this bad boy off with an MP3 of the smooth melody and lyrical styling of “Right Here Waiting” by Richard Marx. I knew there was a strong possibility that the song would overtake Stacy’s good sense and compel her to go AWOL just to come home to see me, but, when it comes to making the perfect mixed C.D., those are the risks I’m willing to take.
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