Stepping Off The Boat

Have you ever prayed for something so hard, and wondered why God wasn’t answering your prayers? First, you prayed for a week straight. Then you waited. Several weeks went by, and there was no change in your circumstance, so you began praying a slightly different prayer. Instead of saying, “Lord, please open doors for this dream of mine.  Make sense of this burning passion of mine,” you began to pray, “Sovereign Lord, please help me to be content in all aspects of my life. For I know you have a plan for me.” You even sort of believed it.  But, you probably didn’t. Because then you began altering your prayer to what you thought the Lord might want to hear.  You began guessing the calling in your life. You prayed this new prayer and then you waited, again.… Several months, even a year, and this prayer popped up every once in a while. But every time it did, it came with a stronger feeling. A stronger pulling. So you prayed harder. You prayed daily. You committed to a prayer experiment. You researched how to pray. You asked for prayer from others. And still, after all that prayer, your circumstances never changed. It’s like the lyrics to my favorite All Sons & Daughters song…

I could just sit. I could just sit and wait for all your goodness. Hope to feel your presence. And I could just stay. I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel you. Hope to feel something again.

So many days I have prayed one particular prayer. I swear I have prayed 473 versions of this one prayer. I prayed so much for this one thing, I was eventually convinced that it wasn’t a prayer worth praying anymore.  I started giving God a timeline. If I don’t see “XYZ” by this time, I am just going to quit. After all, I was doing everything I could be doing to hear the Lord’s calling in my life. And then I would sit in the same exact place every day, motionless, and staring at a computer screen hoping “today will be the day” when our dreams and our passion just begin to make sense. Staring and hoping that something I do today would click and would change the course of my family’s life. Months would go by, even years, and while the passion only got stronger, our circumstances did not change. I just didn’t get it. I sat there and waited. Wondering when God was going to show all His goodness in our family. Wondering if I was doing something wrong.  I begged for His presence in our lives more than ever.  Begged him to show us the way… And then I waited. And waited. And when our prayers weren’t answered, I began to question everything. I doubted our dreams. I started to focus on other worldly things, and worked toward other things that could make me happy.

And I could. I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside. And I could be safe. I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home. Never let these walls down.

I rested in the safety and security of the world’s definition of success. I moved forward with my plans on getting our business to grow, and for Steve to get another promotion so that we could move into a better house for our family. I kept telling myself, if Steve just made this much more, and we had this much more business, I would be the most content. My prayers would be answered. I would be able to feel His presence, because getting to that point would mean He wanted me to be there, and that would be a good place to be. Right?

But you have called me higher. You have called me deeper. And I will go where you will lead me Lord. You have called me higher. You have called me deeper. And I will go where you lead me Lord. Where you lead me. And I will be Yours. I will be Yours for all my life. So let your mercy light the path before me.

And then last year, I decided to start doing a daily bible study and journal. It was around that time when I attended a Christian conference for women creatives in Georgia. I’ve never written about my experience at this conference because I came home with sooo many life-changing thoughts, that I couldn’t quite wrap my brain around what I wanted to share. And, because the Lord was still working on my heart in big ways, I didn’t quite figure out the reason why I even went to Georgia.  Even on this day, I could probably write ten pages on the new perspective that conference gave me.  I went there so… fragile. I was happy in many worldly respects, but I am sure I lacked true everlasting joy.  The weight of the world was pressing against me, and God knew that a simple flick of His finger would break me. I expected to go to the conference and come home uplifted and motivated to make changes. But what I did not expect was for the Lord to break me.  He broke me good. I had no choice but to fall to my knees and just let go. I ripped off the mask I was wearing and began to share with Christ every way I was broken. And I know He knew all these things, but I needed to share this with him. I told him every deep, dark secret and thought that was oppressing me. It was painful and ugly, but uplifting and peaceful all at the same time. God broke all my walls and the shallow foundation of my life.  And over the course of the following couple of months, He began building on the depths of His foundation in my life.

First, He made me realize that He is my only hope. If I believe that He is THE WAY and THE TRUTH and THE LIFE, then He is the ONLY person I can lay all my burdens and weights on, and walk forward in faith.

Secondly, He helped me to believe that He truly loves me!  And not just loves me, but PERFECTLY created me to be who I am for a reason. Perfectly! Meaning, he did NOT mess up at all.  What an amazing thing to rest on, right?

Lastly, the Lord made me realize that living in this world is sooo not about me. It’s about His Kingdom. So I need to get over this pity party I am throwing myself. Because this life I am living is the one he laid down for me for His glory! And He knows my heart, my talents, and my passion. He knows because I am His perfect creation. I am His!!!! Now, instead of sitting and waiting for His presence, I needed to seek Him and to trust Him.

For over six months now, I have been faithful in my bible studies and prayer journaling, and have been blessed with the most amazing heart change. Soon after I left the conference last year, I began an in depth study on Philippians, and it was no mistake that the Lord led me there. I have had many conversations where I could sense that the Holy Spirit was working in HUGE ways. I just didn’t know exactly how. I have cried many, MANY, tears of joy because of it. I can clearly remember a conversation I was having with a friend outside of a restaurant where I told her that I just knew that God was preparing me for something in which I would HAVE to trust Him. Something big.

Yes, I was still saying the same prayer, but I was digging deeper into my heart. Being honest with everything that was hurting me. I was still questioning things, but instead of turning away from God, I was running to Him each and every morning, afternoon, and evening. And as the months moved by, the theme of “Trust in Me” was surrounding me and Steve. Steve even preached on “True Saving Faith” THREE times in the past couple months.

Fast forward to this past Monday… My husband, who has felt a calling to be in the ministry, has gotten to a point where he can no longer push away the undeniable calling in His heart: “Just trust in ME” (Christ). Steve told me the other day, “Stacy,  waiting for a perfect circumstance does not mean having faith”.  And he is so right! In God’s divine timeliness, Steve delivered a sermon a few months back on “Sola Fide: By Faith Alone”. In the sermon, Steve talked about true saving faith and read the story of Jesus walking on water, and Peter getting off the boat to walk to Christ. Steve made two great points that really struck me. One, he focused on Peter actually getting out of the boat and walking towards God. He pointed out that Peter could have waited for God to walk to the boat, but instead, God asks Peter to come to Him because Peter had an opportunity to show his faith this way. The Lord wants us to come to Him. Secondly, Steve pointed out that Peter began sinking into the water when he lost faith for a moment amongst the wind and waves, and looked down at the water beneath his feet. If he had only kept his eyes fixed on Jesus, he would have made it through the storm. Two great lessons for me today. Step one: Get off the boat. Step two: Keep your eyes fixed on Him.

A few days ago, after years of praying and waiting, Steve and I clenched each other’s hands, gazed into our Lord’s eyes, and we stepped off the boat.  Steve, who is our sole income provider, gave his “two weeks” notice to a very well paying but demanding job. We are literally going to an unknown income. We have decided to use the rest of the year to invest all of our time, savings, and energy into the Lord’s calling on our life, our family, and my business. And in that order.  While Steve is going to pursue his calling in the ministry, whatever that may be, he will also be working with me side by side to build my business and my ministry. My business is coming together in a way that means so much more than taking pictures. The passion I have for husbands and wives and the new family is getting stronger. I can’t believe I am writing this! But, more than ever, I have so much Faith that the Lord will show us His heart, and we will know His will for our lives by the end of this year.

But you have called me higher. You have called me deeper. And I will go where you will lead me Lord. You have called me higher. You have called me deeper. And I will go where you lead me Lord. Where you lead me. And I will be Yours. I will be Yours for all my life. So let your mercy light the path before me.

We need you to cover us in prayer.  Our prayer request is that this whole process will glorify God. That whatever happens in the next few months will result in the growth of His Kingdom, and our family’s relationship with Him. But also, that our family will continue to be blessed with peace, and the overwhelming amount of love and support from friends and family.  God is in control.  May He be glorified through it all!

If you made it all the way down to this part, thank you for sticking with me, friend. I know it was a lot to read, but there was so much I wanted to share with you!  I’m blessed to have you on this journey with me.

In Christ,

Stacy