“She chose me.” I thought in the early morning while lying in bed allowing myself the pleasure of reminiscence and wonder. “Of all the men both overseas and in the states who Stacy could have chosen to share ‘this’ with; she chose me.” Because Stacy would not be returning from her deployment for another two months, I had plenty of time to consider where our relationship might be when she returned. A thousand different ideas raced through my mind. If we became a couple, what kind of couple would we be? Would we be an inside joke kind of couple; laughing together at the story behind the pepper shaker while our friends looked at us like we’d lost our minds? Would we be an affectionate couple; holding hands in line for a movie then cuddling together in the theater seats? Would we be so in love that when we caught each other’s glance the hustle and noise of a chaotic world would fade to a blur and quiet to a muffle? Or, better yet, maybe we’d be something better than anything I’d ever known. What would people think when they saw us together? I’m sure no one at the squadron had any idea that Stacy and I were talking. They’d probably be completely jealous and try to convince Stacy that she should be with someone else, but our bond would be too strong to break. What was the future of “us”?
There was another great benefit to anticipating Stacy’s home coming: MOTIVATION. It was early March of 2006 and what had seemed like a five month winter was finally starting to surrender to the spring. I had been going to the gym with some consistency, but with only two months before Stacy would be home, I went into working out with a high octane “get-fit-for-Stacy” mentality. On that morning, after I had sufficiently entertained all possible Stacy and Steve scenarios; I got out of bed, threw on my t-shirt and sweat pants, jumped in my car, and headed for the gym.
Something about driving alone in my car often produced some of my clearest and most level headed thoughts and that morning was no exception. Although it was a short drive from my house to the gym, it was still enough time to bring to light two major issues between Stacy and I that I had been subconsciously overlooking in every one of my relationship considerations. I could feel the recent charge of excitement slowly start to drain from my body as a long ignored reality began set in. She was still a smoker and I was not a Christian.
Often the topic of our flightline conversations, Stacy and I were fully aware that I could never be with a woman who smoked cigarettes and she could never be with a man who wasn’t a Christian. Of everything I was willing to do to be with her, changing my religious position was not an option. My family had been embarrassed and singled out in front of a church congregation when I was a young boy. In that experience I knew everything I needed to know about Christianity, the church, and the “rules” I ought not to break unless I wanted to be judged in the court of religious conformity. No thanks. I was the only thing I needed to believe in and as far as I could remember, I had never let me down. My distaste for smoking was a separate issue. I actually wondered on more than a few occasions whether I might be allergic to cigarette smoke. I had dated a few girls who were smokers and the smell of the smoke in their hair and on their clothes was so bothersome that it prevented our relationship from ever getting past the first couple of dates. I know it might sound strange, but what was even worse, was when I began to envision myself having a long term future with a girl who smoked. For some reason or another, I couldn’t shake the idea of losing her early in our marriage because of cancer or other cigarette related diseases. Unfortunately, this was a deal breaker.
As I pulled up to the gym with motivation at a new low, I sat in my car and tried to understand why I had so hopelessly pursued Stacy knowing she was a smoker and why she had emailed me knowing I wasn’t a Christian. I knew love didn’t always make sense, but this was…
The ringing of my cell phone interrupted my thought. I recognized the Air Force base operator’s line and knew it was either work going through new lengths to call me in or it was Stacy Morey.
“Hello?” I answered, cautiously hoping Bobby’s voice wouldn’t be on the other line.
“Hey Steve, it’s Stacy!” She said. The excitement in her voice immediately brought back a rush of energy that pushed our difference aside.
“Hey Stacy! I was hoping it was you.” I said with a smile on my face like a boy with a new high school crush.
“How are you? After all of this emailing back and forth, it’s good to finally hear your voice.”
“I was just thinking the same thing.” I said, taking in every word.
“How have you been? What are you up to?”
“I’ve been better lately than I had been in a very long time. I’m outside the gym right now about to go work out.”
“Oh, do you want me to let you go?” She is said, sounding completely genuine.
“Of course not!” I said, laughing and then fading into a more serious tone. “I’d rather spend the next fifteen minutes talking to you than doing anything else.”
“Me too.” She said softly. “I’ve been thinking about you, well us, a lot lately.”
“Me too.” I said, as a familiar peace came over me.
“I know we don’t have a lot of time, so I’d like to ask you something while I know we have enough time to talk about it.”
“Sure, what’s up?” I asked, a little nervous.
“What is this…between us?”
I paused for a moment and then said, “I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I know we are both out of terrible relationships, but when I think of us all I know is this: Right now, I don’t want to think about anyone but you. I don’t want to date anyone here, or even entertain the thought of pursuing a relationship with anybody else until we find out what this is.”
“I feel the same way.” She responded. “I don’t want to date anyone else either. Let’s just take this time away to focus on each other and see where this thing goes.”
It was exactly what I wanted to hear. But the excitement I thought I’d feel was overcome by our two issues that had somehow made their way back into the forefront of my mind. Finding out that Stacy felt the same way I did made it even more pressing that the questions be answered before either of us began to invest in each other.
“That sounds great.” I said, hoping my nervousness wasn’t coming through in my voice. “But, before we go any further, there is a question I have to ask.”
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