Mom to Mom | A Blog Post About Kellan. Finally!

This little man…

This little man has melted my heart right down to mush. Mush love is the best kind of love. The kind where you can’t form any words to describe how much you love someone, you just want to snuggle, kiss, squeeze and sometimes gobble them all up because you can’t get enough of that love. That’s what I feel when I look at his face.

Sadly, I remember this one time when I was fearful to have a boy. When I was fearful to have another child take away my love from Addisyn. And then, God showed me. He gave me a boy who has already been making his place in this family and the character in my daughter to love on him quite possibly more than I love on him in one day, which in turn has made me love her more deeply. It continues to amaze me how much a heart can love. Just when I think that my heart is capped out and overflowing, it manages to stretch to double in size so I can love more. I think love is the most obvious sign of God’s existence… but that is for another blog post :-)  I am just thankful to Him for this kind of mush love in my life. 

I cannot believe it’s been four months. It seems like just a few weeks ago I sat sleep deprived and emotionally exhausted while I recovered in the small warm hospital room. I remember it was around 1 am, about five hours after Kellan made his entrance into this crazy world, and I had just inhaled a Wawa sub and chugged a Coca-cola after the pain meds finally began to work their magic. Steve understandably started to doze off and so I asked him to hand me Kellan before he fell asleep.  It was during this first moment of peace and quietness in that tiny hospital room where I began to fall deeply in love with my baby boy. I remember him being swaddled and wanting so badly to nurse him or do skin-to-skin with him so I removed the swaddle to feel him curled up on my chest; his tiny body in my arms and his head near my lips so I could kiss on him every minute. I needed that special bonding time with him in the quiet hours of our first morning together because the labor and his delivery were all very emotional for me and still resting heavily on my heart. I was remorseful about his delivery because I was in so much pain upon his arrival that I could barely smile, let alone hold him, when he first came into this world. I needed to make up that time during these first few hours of stillness in our hospital room. I remember tracing my finger over and over again on the bridge of his perfectly squished nose and then onto those pouty lips, alongside his plump rosy cheeks and down his baby wrinkled neck, taking random moments to close my eyes so I could clear the tears building up in my lashes. Thanking God for my son. My Son…

Okay, every mom is entitled to gush over their kids. That was my gushing.

Now it must be said that even though brother is by far the cutest little man on this earth (more gushing, but that’s it. I swear. ) he knows how to get attention and give me, the new chaotic and highly disorganized mommy of two, a little run for my money. His baby stage has been so much more difficult than Addisyn’s – reflux, colic, no sleep, and a thousand loads of laundry later, Kellan and his little chub-a-lub self has broken me down more times than I can count.  Just the other night after twenty minutes (yes, I said a measly TWENTY minutes) of his crying, I slammed my office door and screamed “Dang it!”, (except it didn’t sound like “dang”, but for mother reading purposes we will stick to that story). I screamed loud enough to make it feel like a good meltdown and then I paced the hallway until I calmed down. I clearly do not have it all together. Obvi! And I don’t think my house has been at all clean even once since he was born. I am convinced I do more laundry with his reflux then I will be doing when he and Addisyn are both involved in after-school sports.  Still, among all the meltdowns and craziness, there is pure contentment. 

It all seems a bit surreal sometimes. I hold Kellan today and kiss on his lips or see his smile and I am overwhelmed with these feelings of he is mine. I have literally tried to visualize what it would be like to have any other combination of children; girl then girl, boy then girl, boy then boy, and I can’t want anything differently. It seems a little weird to write this because I know that most, if not all, moms can’t imagine it any other way. But I am really trying to convince you that the feeling I have watching my son and my daughter grow up as Hart siblings is a, it-couldn’t-be-more-perfectly-created-for-me kind of feeling. It’s easy and peaceful. It feels complete. It feels meant to be.


With Love,

Stacy

I love him so much. I think this is a winner for the a canvas. I love his little lips and smirk.