I wrote this on my Facebook yesterday around lunch time. This status update came after losing my patience with Addisyn and reacting to some petty annoyances that were just building up to my breaking point by 11:00am yesterday morning. I totally lost my motherly cool and the things I said to her were heart-cutting and completely unnecessary especially for a little girl who loves to please her mommy and daddy and one whose love language is a close tie between Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. Nothing more disappointing than hearing your mom “can’t stand you around” her right now. Can I tell you that I hate writing these words? They are so ugly to even think about. I just want to cry. Especially now that it’s a new day and Addisyn and I have had a lovely day and most days are really good. But yesterday, there was no question those words stabbed her in the heart. You know how I know it hurt her? Because instead of running upstairs and crying all dramatic like she does when she is getting in trouble for legitimate disciplinary reasons, she just stood there. Then she lowered her chin, quivered her lip, and slowly closed her eyes. She stood there as her tears hit her cheeks, but then she silently turned around and went to the playroom. Talk about heart-cutting, right? She was so quiet and still that I could almost see those words traveling through her ears, being processed in her brain and then sinking deep into her heart. Lucky for me, or so I thought, her recovery time was pretty short (about ten minutes) and she started playing with her brother again. Then, as if she didn’t even realize I needed space she came and asked me a question again. The nerve! Couldn’t she tell I was a mommy on the edge and she was there – pushing me over? Now, I know I overreacted the first time. So this time, I said through gritted teeth in a really calm, but not so polite tone, “leave. me. alone!” I told her I needed space and that for one everlovin’ second she could get off my back and play in her playroom. Again, she lowered her head and went to the other room. This is about the time that I just melted to the couch and cried. Instead of being satisfied that I may have just in fact, “got her off my back” I felt ill. I just hurt my little girls heart and I could physically feel the guilt. I know what I had done was wrong. I just know that the damage had been done. That I could apologize and start the day over and that would help, but she might hold onto those words for a long time. I wanted to fix it. I collected myself and went to her. I let her know that how I acted wasn’t right. I asked her to look at me and I told her I was sorry for the way I yelled at her. That she didn’t deserve it. That I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings and that she was so incredibly special to me and those words were hurtful and a bad thing for mommy to say. I told her I was tired and and that wasn’t an excuse. She said she forgave me and gave me a hug and then she asked me if we could watch a movie together. I felt instantly better, knowing she still wanted me to watch a movie with her, but when my cuddle bug turned down my offer for me to hold her during the movie, my heart sank a little. Did she let my literal hurtful words sink into her heart already? Was she putting a wedge there because I told her she needed to? I told her that she needed to give me space. Is this what she thought I meant?
I know I am not alone on these days. I know we have all these days and sometimes it comes a little unexpected. Like this day for me was a bit from left field. This situation came on the heels of a really good bible study and prayer time. I was having a lovely day. I could feel the joy of the Lord in me. I was looking forward to some time with my kids without the distraction of the things-to-list and social media. I had gotten most of it out the way the day before. I even had dinner in the crock pot! We colored, we played puzzle and then the morning started to shift out of nowhere. Kellan and Addy started to become clingy. They had to be in the bathroom with me. When the focus was on Kellan, Addy had to be on top of me so I could be giving her equal attention. My patience was wearing and I could feel my skin starting to itch holding it all in.
I often read Facebook status updates about parents who have bad days and are way too hard on themselves. And sometimes they are. I’ve read hilarious blog posts about parents who have kids that have complete meltdowns in public and the parents lose cool and then they can feel all the judging eyes upon them. And that is sooo not fair. I am the first one to admit in the same sentence that I am a bad momma on some days and then proclaim how I am way too hard on myself and “we all have bad days”. I admitted a long time ago that the “perfect mom” was a fictitious character that was made up by some evil villain in the land of Parenthood. It is a lie! But here is what is not a lie. Yelling and belittling kids at various points throughout the day for no reason is not okay! It really isn’t. Spilled Milk on accident? want to be at your feet all day long? Said one too many “Mommas?”. All of these are no reason to talk down to your children. Yes, chalk it up to having a bad day that you are entitled to have as a momma, but that does not mean it’s okay. Yes, parenting is hard and you will have days like this, but that does not mean it is okay. How I spoke to Addisyn was not okay. If you were a fly on the wall in my house, you would agree. And I am sure I would agree that the same goes for you and how you speak to your kids sometimes. As parents, we need to learn to apologize. Kids need apologies from their parents as much as we ask for apologies from them. They need to know that we are wrong sometimes and that we feel bad for acting out on them and so we ask for their forgiveness. This does not put us in a place of disadvantage, but gives us more respect from our kids. It shows them that we love and respect their hearts while not being a hypocrite and teaching them right from wrong. It shows them that we can make mistakes and they can rest in knowing that they can speak the truth to us when they make mistakes. It opens up a door that wouldn’t otherwise have been opened up if they had the mindset that we think we are never wrong. It shows that pride isn’t flattering. It’s a weakness, in fact. And that humility is for those with strong character. Mommas, we are not perfect. We will never be! But there are things we can do to show our kids how to possess the right character traits, like humility. Apologizing is one of those things. And wouldn’t you love to have kids being raised in that light?
Addisyn woke up from nap yesterday and she came down the stairs and asked, “Did I have a good nap?”. When I answered that she had a very good nap. Her second question was, “you won’t tell daddy I was bad this morning?” I sat her down again and told her that what she did was not wrong. That mommy was wrong. That she was a good girl this morning and did not deserve for me to hurt her feelings. She looked at me and said, “Thank you for saying sorry, momma! Please try not to do that again.” The fact that she remembered those words hurt me enough, but can you imagine if I had never apologized?
With Love from one Humbled Momma,
Stacy
I love this pic of my beautiful girl and her gentle soul. She is so precious to me!
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