Letting Go

When I was little, I remember watching the Circus of the Stars show (thanks Facebook friends for helping me remember the name) every year. I don’t remember when it came on during the year, but I do remember watching it several years in a row as a family. It wasn’t the same as going to the circus, but we found it very entertaining. There were certain death defying acts that they had every year, but the one that was my favorite, and is a circus tradition, is the flying trapeze. It amazed me and made me nervous all at once. How they timed everything perfectly; the flips, the catches, the swinging. Everything was so precise and so controlled. If anything was just one fraction of a second off the routine, then someone wouldn’t be caught and they would drop several stories to the net beneath them. When I was younger, I was always amazed at the women who would do all the flips and tricks as they were flying through the air, but as I got older I remember having an appreciation for the men in the routine. It took an incredible amount of grip strength to hold onto a human body who was coming at them with a lot of momentum. And the whole time they were swinging upside down and sometimes, as they were on the back swing, they were completely blind to where their partner was on the opposite side. But the thing that amazed me the most about this was how they were able to catch the girls hands without missing or slipping from their grasp. Have you ever heard of the term “grip strength”? It’s the force applied by the hand to pull on or suspend objects. I know this term from exercising. Try holding a 25 lb plate in each hand with nothing to grip onto for a few minutes.  The thing about grip strength is that usually when you start sweating, or after a few minutes, you can start to feel the weight slip beneath your fingers. And it seems like the harder you grab on, the faster you slip. Some people work for a long time on their hand muscles so that they can have better grip strength and hold on longer.

So where am I going with this?

My whole point is that when it comes to God I don’t want better grip strength. I don’t want to fear slipping from His grasp. I just want to trust Him. I want to know Him so well that I don’t have to worry about slipping away from Him. I want to feel the freedom in knowing that nothing I can do can improve my grip on Him because he already has me so firmly in His hands.

Lately, it’s all around me. It’s in everything I read. Everything I hear. Everything I am studying. It’s been impressed on my heart so much lately…I cannot deny it.

For the past two weeks, I have felt The Lord in a way that I have never felt. Some people say, “The Lord spoke to me…” and I can honestly say I have never had that moment when I have felt The Lord speaking to me. I’ve been jealous of those people who have because I have begged God for clear answers and so an audible or even still small voice would be nice!!  But, even though I still can’t hear the Lord speaking to me, I can tell you one thing, these past few weeks I have been getting closer and closer to Him and I feel convicted, impassioned, and totally inspired to know Him even more.

I have been sharing about it with friends. I have been journaling about it. I have been reading scriptures on it. I have been reading The Cure and meditating on it. I have been praying about it. I have been listening to music about it…

Something huge is stirring in my heart. The borders are being knocked down and I have no idea where to go with it, but I have a feeling for right now that is exactly the point.  He wants me where I am – so close to Him that I am not worried about slipping from Him.  I am starting to have this trust I have never had before. I feel I am finally to a point where I can give it to God and just. let. go. Because he has me. And oh,  the freedom!! The liberation in knowing that the dreams I have for my family, the goals for my business I want to achieve, the life I AM LIVING is completely for nothing without His presence. And with His presence comes joy in every circumstance of my life. Does this mean I still have bad days? Yes! Does this mean I am still sad some days? Absolutely! I can be happy and I can certainly be sad, but I can have peace in knowing that the borders of control and worry and anxiousness has been replaced with the peace of God. The peace that surpasses all understanding.  So I am finally, FINALLY getting it. I’ve stepped off the boat amidst the storm of this thing called life and I have my eyes locked on Jesus.

When I have no idea where he wants me, I don’t need to improve my grip on Him. He already has me! I just need to rest in His graceful arms. This gives me something way better than a well lit path for my life. With trusting in Him, comes knowing Him more. And knowing His character.  I know He is not the God that will leave me or misguide me. That he is the God of Love. That he is my sovereign King and, so long as I let go of my grip on everything in my life I wish to control…then and ONLY then I can fall sweetly into His arms.