Who is Stacy?

I am super scared to write this post. I debated on whether or not this was the right forum for a good couple of hours. You know, the whole fact that at least 100 other people are going to read it and maybe even judge me after it is all over with.  Pretty scary, right? But here’s the deal. This blog? It’s my online journal. In other words, it’s my blank page, my time of reflection, my safe haven, and my I-don’t-give-a-hoot-if-you-read-it-because-it’s-mine-for-goodness-sakes blog.  Because it’s mine, I choose to share it with you in hopes that I can help you, witness to you, be there for you, or at the very least, entertain you for all of ten minutes while you are drinking your morning cup of coffee.

So, what’s up?

Well, I have been struggling. Like, REALLY struggling internally about who I am.  I don’t know if it is the photography industry, my role as a wife, or my responsibilities as a mom, but something hasn’t been clicking for me lately. For the past two weeks, I have walked around like a zombie:  not happy-not sad- just existing. My husband has noticed it, my friends have noticed it, and I have noticed it. On the days I was required to be “on”, I would be. Then, just like a robot, I would get in my car and turn me off again. One night last week Steve told me to sit with him and he held me. He looked me straight in the eyes and asked me to vent to him and to tell him everything that was on my mind. I resisted. The ugly stubborn side of me flared up, but eventually I gave in; partly because I knew the faster I got this awkward conversation over with, the faster I could go back to turning me off. But, as I began to speak, I let it all out.  I told him that I am struggling with who I am and what I want to become. I told him that I craved the option to go out and light up a cigarette if I wanted to. That there is this rebellious “party Stacy” still left inside me that wants to let loose sometimes. I told him that I hate my weight and the fact that I know exactly how to lose those dreaded last six pounds, but I don’t have the will power to do it. I told him that it is hard for me to not bring home a consistent paycheck.  I told him that sometimes I think I fail as a wife, a mother, and a Christian. I told him all of this in one long super teary filled confession. He squeezed me and kissed my forehead. I could see him trying to understand, but I could tell that he didn’t.

So here I am, just having turned 31 on Sunday, and I have decided to take action because even though there are times when I feel broken, I definitely don’t want to sulk. I am all about finding solutions to the problem instead of being the problem. I am starting with this blog post; a post that clearly defines who I am to me. I want to write these words and put it somewhere easily found so whenever I get lost or want to turn myself off, I can go back to something tangible and read exactly who I am.  After all, Mary Oliver said, “What will you do with your one wild and precious life?” I choose to feel joy and love.

Here it goes…

I am Steve’s wife. I have made a decision to love him on even his worst days and more importantly on my worst days. I cannot use him as a punching bag when I feel beaten in life and cannot disrespect him because I am having a bad day. He is my husband; a man who promised to give his life to me and to love me just like he loves Christ.  And together we are one.

I am a mother. I GET TO BE A MOTHER. I know that Steve and I have been trying for our second for what seems like FOREVER, but I need to focus on what God has already given me. There are so many other couples out there who don’t have one child and can only dream of it. There are even more out there that have lost a child.  I haven’t. God has given me a gift and I shouldn’t let a day pass by where I am not thankful for that gift. Being a mother is the most natural feeling in the world to me. I have never second guessed this role nor this purpose. I am hers and she is mine.  

I am a Christian. There was a time when I used to walk around afraid to admit what I was and a time that I ignorantly proclaimed my faith, but had no idea what it meant. Now, I proudly wear that title and know exactly what it means. I believe in the Bible as the only one source of truth. I don’t share it enough though and I want that to change. What it doesn’t mean is that just because you don’t believe in what I believe in, I will love you any less. In fact, it means that I will love you that much more. It doesn’t mean that I can judge you in your life, but it does mean that when you walk the same path as me, I can keep you accountable for your actions.  It means letting go of control, worry, anxiety, and believing that God is sovereign and is in control of every part of my life.

Christian, wife to Steve, mother to Addisyn; this is who I am.  Three perfectly purposeful and uniquely made roles for me, Stacy Hart.

Copyright – Exposed Branches Photography

By the way, Do you want to know what else is part of who I am?