I have a new alarm clock. She is about 3 feet tall, has wispy blonde hair that sweeps across her face then falls to her shoulders, the softest blue eyes that would make any momma swoon, and knows how to sport some footie purple polka-dot pajamas. Ever since she hit big-girl bed status, I can guarantee a more gentler wake-up versus the old “Mommy!Mommy!Mommy!” that preceded this new found freedom. I love this new routine so much more. Addisyn climbs up on the foot of my bed and crawls to Steve’s side of the bed. I am barely awake as I reach across the bed and lift the comforter so she can nestle her body into the covers. I usually re-position myself so I can sleepily watch her with one eye open. She finds her spot pretty quickly and I know she is cozy when her head hits the pillow and she begins to rub baby brother’s ear. Most of the time there are no words spoken between us except for the occasional whisper, “momma, he’s so cute” and my reply, “I know baby, just like you”. If I am lucky enough, we sometimes both fall back asleep in the quietness of the morning. It’s a new favorite part of my day. A small moment right before my brain becomes cluttered with all my things to do for the day where I can connect with how my heart is feeling in that moment and where my daughter has all of her mom present. I feel peace and I feel entirely in love. There are days when I am flat out exhausted and yet it is impossible to not watch as my daughter rubs her baby brother’s ear and looks at him adoringly. I will ashamedly admit that this is one of the only times in the day where I don’t instantly snap to my more regular (and hormonal) response of “Addisyn please don’t touch him! He’s sleeping. ” or “Addisyn, you don’t have to touch him all the time!” Maybe it is the stillness of the morning or the warmth of the covers, but I cherish that time when she loves her brother so fully, first thing in the morning. This has been the biggest adjustment for me…learning how to be a mentally present mother to Addisyn again. When for almost three years she could do no wrong; it seems like now my days are infected with short tempers. I know this is normal and a period that will pass, but it is my biggest struggle I have right now. And if there is one thing that I have learned the first three years of mommyhood it is that mommy guilt never goes away. It’s here to stay. It’s probably why we, as moms, hold on to moments like these. It’s the time in all the quietness where we witness our children acting out of love. It is in these moments when we know we are doing something right and we feel no guilt.
Sister needed some good quality family time so we went for a walk the other evening and it was exactly what we all needed.